Ya know, as I think about it more and more, I’m starting to realize that although I’d like a boyfriend *hmm gotta come up with a better name*, I really sometimes don’t want all the hard work that comes along with a relationship. Not hard work in a bad way, it’s just anything worth attaining, ya gotta work for it. I don’t want to go from nothing to everything in one fell swoop. I’d like to date, chill, kick it, relax etc etc. without the pressure of doing the durn thang. But I’m also still open to the possibility of more..confusing huh? Yep, I know. See, I know I’m the marrying kind, I believe I’ve got that unique blend of independence but with that Jill Scott “I still need you” sensibility.

I don’t know where this came from, well yes I do. See, I’ve been living in a fantasy world *as far as relationships are concerned*. I’m not on ‘man in shining armor tip’ but I do have, maybe, and unrealistic view of how I’ll meet “the one”.
*wavy lines* I’m either talkin to someone I know being very ’social butterfly like’ or sitting by myself observing my surroundings. Either way, he looks, he sees and just MUST get to know more about me. He approaches, I see him, I become nervous and clumsy. But it seems as though he doesn’t care b/c he’s still approaching. We speak, he doesn’t care that I’m shy and doesn’t mind pursuing me until I come out of my shell *hey I’m a cancer…what do you expect* HOLD THE PRESSES.

Pimp slap back into reality: I’m either talkin to someone I know being very ’social butterfly like’ or sitting by myself observing my surroundings. He sees me, I get nervous and clumsy. He senses my nervousness. I know it so I put up my defense b/c I’m embarassed I can’t be more smooth wit mines. Somehow a “f***off” sign is nailed to my forehead. He thinks better of approaching and just chalks me up to be a “mad angry black woman”. THE END

See at the core of all of this. I’m a shy person…that is until you get to know me, which can take awhile. Once I do get comfortable with you, you can’t shut me up and I will always tell you the truth *might not be tactful..but it’ll be the truth :-) * I think I’m kinda funny in a ‘based on reality’ type of way…unless those people were laughing at me and not with me *shrug* Suffice it to say, my paradigm is shifting. I feel as though I’ve been putting the horse before the cart. Ya’ll, I was up here praying for “the one”, when I know good and fye well, I’m not ready. I already know that we would disagree in the body area.

Ya see, without getting all deep and whatnot, I got body image issues. I love me but don’t like the body I’m in so much. I know that anytime he would hug me, I’d be thinkin “lawd please don’t let him feel that roll right there”. That gets in the way of enjoyin the little things, please believe I know. He’d be telling me I’m beautiful and that he likes me the way I am and I’d be thinking “yeah right nigga..tell me anything”. You see the problem right…right.

Actually that’s what messed with the one lil boyfriend I had, he kept tellin me I was beautiful and that I shouldn’t let anybody tell me otherwise. I didn’t believe him and somebody can only tell you something but so much before they give up b/c you don’t see what they see. Now, I’m much better with it now, that incident happend a year ago and I’ve been through some major healing since then. I’m loving my natural hair, my full lips, my natuarlly arched eyebrows, my broad sholders that look the fiya in a halter or off the sholder shirt, my ample busom, my shapely legs and calfs, my graceful hands and my small feet. I’m workin on my midsection where I carry most of my weight and thats ok. The only time it is not ok, is when I’m not doing anything about it. The only time it becomes helpless is when I’m not tryin to help myself. I’ve started back exercising and it’s an everyday journey. I won’t have washboard abs in a week but I can hope for a significant reduction by the summer. My goal is not be skinny *brothas like the thyckness*, my goal is be healthy and comfortable in my own skin. To be delectably plump…supple if you will.

I know I just touched on 3 different subjects but hey, who cares.

Serenity