*interrupting our regularly scheduled programming..I’ve been coming up on Google alot and from now on, I will be putting punctuation in the middle of formal names and recognizable places…thank you…goodbye*
Hmm I don’t know how this topic came up. I was thinking about this in the state of half-sleep this morning. You know, don’t wanna get up but your mind has clicked on and your thinking about your day.
His name was Shaun *so don’t have to protect the not so innocent*. Shaun and I met back in elemetary school at church. His momma and mine were in the choir together. Thus began my Thursday night *regardless of how much homework* visitings to choir rehearsal. All to see that boy…goodness.
He wasn’t particularly the cutest white boy *collective gasp* but he paid me attention and taught me that hugs can express alot. Ya’ll I was gone. Soon we were exchanging notes. He wrote me one night, he folded it all fancy. The only thing I can remember now is that he liked my smile *I had braces* and that he wanted me to call him *he scribbled his number at the bottom*. I was too gone. I was in love. I don’t kid about that either, in my mind it was love…misplaced, but love all the same.
Then the uthinkable happened *I went through all my drama at a young age*. He hooked up with my friend Roxanne *rollin eyes*. I was nieve, I’ll give you that. One saturday morning *choir was preparing for an extra special performance* I walk into the sanctuary and they all hugged up. I turned on my heel and walked out…they didn’t see me. Later on Shaun was all trying to talk to me and I didn’t want to hear it. I shut him and Roxanne out. I was cordial but it was never the same.
This broke my heart. It really did. I learned two lessons. 1.) Don’t get mad at the girl in the situation. It’s a waste of time. 2.) Forgiveness and God will get you through. Although I was only 12, that was the most intense time of praying and reading of the Word. I prayed for the healing of my heart, that it wouldn’t hurt so much. It got a little easier. I began to pray that He take my anger away *cause please believe I was an ABW* It got easier. I then began to pray that He bless Shaun, that He order Shaun’s steps. Granted this took awhile…about a year. But everytime I saw him, it got easier; with every mention of Shaun’s name, my heart didn’t ache as much. Next thing you knew, I was unaffected, not in a sense of denial, but in a sense of peace. I truly wished him well.
BUT
This was also the day that I built the wall that I’m slowly trying to break down. From that experience I learned not to put my face out there cause it may get cracked so, in my mind, the best thing to do is just sit back and chill. To think “oh he’s cute but nah, I’m good” when really I’m going “dang, he fine, I want his number”.
The wall is so high but piece by piece I’m breaking it down. I’m coming into my own. I’m loving myself. I’m realizing I have something valuable to contribute to many situations and people. I’m worthy. I’m learning that everyone I meet ain’t gone be “the one” …not even the “right now”. It’s a hard lesson but I’m growing.
You know how earlier I said it was love, although misplaced. Well, I can tie all that back to my dad. He wasn’t giving me the affection my 12 yr old heart desired so I was getting it from somewhere else. I recognize it now and I deal with it regularly. It’s something I sometimes have to fight. I have to sit back and do an inventory when I get in situations where I’m thinking “if he doesn’t like me, I’ll be crushed”. Pish posh. You are fabulous with or without a man. Wholeness does not come from being a couple. Get yourself ready and God will deliver in His time.
Well this is long and trust I could go on, but I will spare you 
Serenity
