This post is coming to you after watching the movie “Ph*at G*irlz” with Mo*N*ique.

Some may know, alot don’t, but I consider myself to be a big girl. Some say “noooo, you’re not that big!” but it doesn’t matter…it’s all in perception right? Well I perceive myself to be big. Right now I’m holding steady at 181 and granted I’m not as big as most but I’m not comfortable in my own skin.

Have you ever gotten a compliment and immediately you’re thinking “yeah right, whateva? or are you blind?” Well that’s my inner monolouge.

Just last week I got completely bummed cause I was looking around at the females on campus wearing skimpy clothing…well heck, not even skimpy just heat appropriate while I lumbered around in my huge t-shirt and jeans…in 95degree weather tryin not to collapse of a heat stroke. I would have preferred to be wearing a tank top and some shorts. But you see, I always have this thing, this voice, that stops me from wearing things I deem big gurl unfriendly.

I just happen to be one of those big gurls with a pretty face. Sometimes I think that’s what’s going through brothas minds when they look at me. “Ummm she’s cute BUT she could lose some weight, then she’d be fine”…a buttabody…everything but her body.

One of the main themes in Ph*at G*irls is self love. Mo met this Nigerian doctor who loved her for her but she couldn’t accept that love and believe if for true, until she loved herself. It took her awhile but she got there.

I believe I’m at that place. I’ve said it before but it is monumentally true. I MUST live life. I MUST be set free.

I feel as though, at times, I live life as a spectator…always on the edge watching someone else have fun. Always thinking someone is judging me and what I do.

You ever go out and constantly worry that somebody is lookin at this roll or that flab or that extra bit of something? Never living in the moment but always wishing to be something other than who you are.

No more.

I must let my light shine.

I know that sounds corny but it’s true.

I feel as though I’m on the brink of something amazing but I must learn not to let myself get in the way. I must learn not to block my destiny, to deffer my blessing.

I’m only 22 but I’m an old soul. There is something wonderful, challenging, brilliant, sincere, loving, kind, helpful, wise, exceptional, humble, strong, consious out there for me but I must not stand in my own way.

I must love me…so that I can recieve love. No use in wanting love if you second guess the persons motivations.

Love,
Peace,

Serenity