did I stop making healthy choices?
Since when…did I need…not want…but need the counsel of my peers. It’s good to get advice but ultimately we all know what we must do.
Since when did I let another human being affect my mood and happiness?
Jan 28th 2006 I spoke to him on the phone.
Sometime in March we met, date wasn’t all that great, kiss was worse.
March to about June..not much communication cause I decided it wasn’t for me.
June 29th get a bday wish and I start feeling a lil lonely, unattractive, etc etc.
Friendship resumes, he’s asking when we gone make this official and I hesitate.
We talk about the same ole, same ole. He’s not doing anything but work. Work and school are my life.
It’s a long distance thing anyway.
So I begin to pray for guidance and wisdom. I pray that the Lord will let me know what road to travel with him. When you ask the Lord for an answer, and you get it…don’t ignore, you’ll only cause yourself unnecessary stress. And I’m what? Too blessed, to be stressed! lol
Firstly I began to think with the flesh…as we saved people tend to do. We ain’t exempt just cause we know God. I got to thinking well “no, the convo ain’t that great. And no I don’t think he’s going back to school but I just wanna see if we connect on the physical level. If I can get him to come to the A, then I can see once and for all, if I wanna keep this friendship going.” So he said he was coming up in September. I try to take people at their word but I also have a problem with people saying their going to do something and not following through *some of it’s a daddy issue but really if you say you’ll do it..just do it or at least let me know* Well I ask him when he think he’s coming and I can never get a specific date out him. He’s always talkin bout “oh I haven’t had a day off since I started this job. They always callin me”. blah blah blah. Oh he also said some mess like “hmmm I gotta see if I have a reason to come to the A”. I looked at the phone *said to myself* “nigga, I ain’t enuff”…yeah, he turned into a nigga. I understand he has to work but you can request for a day off. He has told me he is too nice. I don’t want a man afraid to say no, to always need to be accepted by his peers. Not for me. Soooo just last night he talking bout “man I’m nervous” and I asked why and he said “because I’m flying to texas in october to help my friend *who’s a girl* drive back to sav cause she’s switching army bases”. So again I was thinking to myself “ok, so, you can fly to TX but you cant ride 4hrs to see me”. That is when I realized he was playing games. I.AM.NOT.THE.ONE.
After the horrible kiss, I kept talking to him b/c I didn’t want to hurt his feelings *eye roll*. I kept talking to him b/c I didn’t want to be seen as one of those girls who didn’t appreciate a working man *you know the whole blue collar vs. white collar brotha*. But I’ve decided that I need more. I need a man with more exposure, they don’t have to like what I like, but I want to feel as if you have a clue about the things of which I speak!
Then I had to sit back and evaluate me. I had to ask “what happened to the woman who kept all uneccesarry drama out of her life…who squashed all nonsense? What is it that you are lacking that makes you think you need him in your life? It’s time to go back into yourself and figure it out.
That’s what I intend to do. To work on me and my self worth so that I don’t feel I need another to validate my existence. To work on me so that I don’t settle for the next man who calls me “baby” or “sweetie”.
Oh and another thing…no more hook ups, they haven’t worked thus far. You see my friend Hill *think I mentioned this before but who cares* said that she believes that your mate is sent to you. To not go looking for him”. I wholeheartedly agree. Sure, if I’m introduced in passing and he’d like to continue the convo, that’s fine. But going to a place with the intention of meeting so and so, umm no mo’.
*speaking of outside counsel* *my lovely cousin is on the phone* I love her I do. But clearly our standards are different…not in a bad way but just different.
But anyway, this has all been taking up brain space that needs to be devoted to study. Some would say “it ain’t nothin but the devil sending distractions” and to a certain extent, it’s true. I take my mind back. It’s time to make it do what it do. Word is bond.
Serenity
