I am sad and angry all rolled up into one and it’s draining. Here I am, embarking on a new semester that needs me at my best, and I’m drained. Drained because of something that ended at the beginning of November…2006. What you may ask?
Something that I thought was the beginning of forever. Cheesy but true. I always prided myself on my “don’t care attitude” or better put “don’t let a man be your world philosophy” but dammit if he didn’t slip under my armor. Have you ever just fit with a person?
The details are uneccesary. I’ve talked about them until I’m blue in the face. I always end with a sense of bafflement (is that even a word..probably not..today it is). I go over the things I did…was I too needy (no), was I too standoffish (suprisingly no), did I nag (no need for that), was I not enough (perhaps so).
My intellect tells me that it’s not my fault. Nothing I did prompted his dissmal of me. I am enough and I am damned good person. My emotions say otherwise. During that last phone call could I have said more to prove my point…did I not fight hard enough. I’ll perhaps never know. After going through all this, the conclusion that helps me sleep at night is that the other girl came back. Plain and simple, he went back to what was comfortable instead of putting in the effort to get to know someone new. And for that, he is partly a Punk (clean version) in my book but I can’t help wondering what would have been.
I always thought I was a person who took things at face value. Ok, so he doesn’t want to be with you, fuck it, move on. But I find myself, like a pitiful hollywood actress in a sappy romantic movie, needing ‘closure’. I’ve come to realize that I do indeed have feelings and I just can’t shut them out as painful as they may be. If I do that, I become untrusting and bitter. I refuse. So if I refuse, then I must feel. Feeling is worse but it’s been told that there is something better on the other side of pain.
Yes, yes, there is something better on the other side of pain. What that is, I don’t know, but here *raising my glass* is to finding out.
Serenity…still trying to acheive it.
